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100,000 sperm and you were the fastest? SEND

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. SEND

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. SEND

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. SEND

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. SEND

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. SEND

A closed mouth gathers no foot. SEND

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. SEND

A day without sunshine is like, night. SEND

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. SEND

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. SEND

All generalizations are false, including this one. SEND

All men are idiots, and I married their King. SEND

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. SEND

Always try to be modest and be proud of it! SEND

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. SEND

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. SEND

Assassins do it from behind. SEND

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. SEND



Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. SEND

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. SEND

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. SEND

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. SEND

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. SEND

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. SEND

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks SEND

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back. SEND

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! SEND

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. SEND

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. SEND

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group. SEND

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. SEND

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! SEND

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass? SEND

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy. SEND

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? SEND

Death is hereditary. SEND

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? SEND



Did anyone see my lost carrier? SEND

Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick. SEND

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. SEND

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. SEND

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. SEND

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. SEND

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. SEND

Double your drive space. Delete Windows! SEND

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. SEND

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. SEND

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery. SEND

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue. SEND

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. SEND

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? SEND

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. SEND

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. SEND

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. SEND

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. SEND

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. SEND

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. SEND

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. SEND

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. SEND

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. SEND

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. SEND

Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told. SEND

Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade! SEND

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. SEND

Give me ambiguity or give me something else. SEND

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. SEND

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. SEND

He who laughs last thinks slowest. SEND

Honk if you love peace and quiet. SEND

Honk if you want to see my finger. SEND

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? SEND

How does Teflon stick to the pan? SEND

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. SEND

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. SEND

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. SEND

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. SEND

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. SEND

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. SEND

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. SEND

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. SEND

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? SEND

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. SEND

I took an IQ test and the results were negative. SEND

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. SEND

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. SEND

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke. SEND

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. SEND

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. SEND

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. SEND

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. SEND

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! SEND

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. SEND

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. SEND

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. SEND

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? SEND

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. SEND

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! SEND

If you can't convince them, confuse them. SEND

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? SEND

If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you. SEND

If you haven't much education you must use your brain. SEND

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. SEND

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. SEND

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. SEND

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. SEND

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. SEND

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. SEND

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. SEND

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. SEND

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. SEND

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. SEND

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. SEND

Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them. SEND

Keep honking. I'm reloading. SEND

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. SEND

Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control. SEND

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. SEND

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. SEND

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. SEND

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. SEND

Montana: At least our cows are sane! SEND

More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed! SEND

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once. SEND

My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom. SEND

My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states. SEND

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. SEND

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. SEND

Never mess up an apology with an excuse. SEND

Never miss a good chance to shut up. SEND

Never test the depth of the water with both feet. SEND

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. SEND

No one is listening until you make a mistake. SEND

Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! SEND

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check? SEND

On the other hand, you have different fingers. SEND

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. SEND

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. SEND

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. SEND

Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow. SEND

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. SEND

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. SEND

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. SEND

Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader. SEND

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. SEND

Remember half the people you know are below average. SEND

Save the whales. Collect the whole set SEND

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date! SEND

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. SEND

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. SEND

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. SEND

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. SEND

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. SEND

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle. SEND

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. SEND

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. SEND

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! SEND

Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have. SEND

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing. SEND

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. SEND

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. SEND

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. SEND

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. SEND

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. SEND

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. SEND

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. SEND

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. SEND

The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER SEND

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. SEND

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. SEND

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. SEND

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. SEND

The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel. SEND

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. SEND

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. SEND

There's too much blood in my caffeine system. SEND

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. SEND

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students. SEND

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. SEND

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. SEND

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. SEND

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. SEND

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. SEND

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. SEND

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. SEND

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? SEND

We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse. SEND

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! SEND

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? SEND

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? SEND

What's the speed of dark? SEND

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. SEND

When there's a will, I want to be in it. SEND

When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. SEND

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? SEND

Who stopped payment on my reality check? SEND

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? SEND

Why is abbreviation such a long word? SEND

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? SEND

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. SEND

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot. SEND

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. SEND

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. SEND

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! SEND

Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. SEND

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. SEND

 
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